Exploring My Hidden Desires in 2017

    Alexandria Fox · January 17, 2017 · Miscellaneous Ramblings · 0 comments

    This blog posting had been sitting idle for some time and today I decided to brew me a cup of green tea and allow my fingers to be a channel for areas of my sexuality I am newly exploring: Polyamory and being a client of kinky/fetish sex workers.

    Many have heard of it, are befuddled by it, and often confuse it with an inability to commit to one person, a person who will always cheat (wrong), swinging/swingers, and strangely enough—polygamy, which is another thing entirely.

    Polyamory defined: “is typically the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships where individuals may have more than one partner, with the knowledge and consent of all partners. It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy” (Source: Wikipedia).

    In some sense, I have always been poly—my actions/speech/thoughts were always polyamorous in nature. I have always been a very difficult person to be in a relationship with because of this (aside from being an out sex worker). Not because I lack the ability to commit or am afraid of long-term relationships, but because people simply find my desires and proclivities strange and such desires make people feel insignificant and unimportant. If there is one thing I have learned in my 20 years of being sexually active and dating is that people are 1) Ego driven 2) Emotionally fragile 3) Selfish 4) Possessive 5) Petty. Even when they fight hard to not be these things, they still are.

    When in a relationship, I will state honestly that I am attracted to other people and I will honestly say that I want threesomes with other women (rarely men but it can happen once in a blue), solo sex/time with other women and the rare man, to watch my partner get fucked or fuck someone else and I will encourage my partner to explore their sexuality outside of our primary relationship. I will encourage healthy sex tourism, fetish and kink exploration, and encourage my primary partner to explore their egoic obsessions around the archetypal senses of possessiveness, jealousy, and the false sense that monogamy is the highest ideal even when both parties are miserable. I invite my partners to play with the ideas of gender and gender identification and what being a lesbian/hetero/bi and having rare sex with men really means (I wrote a blog post about it here). I believe that each individual in a relationship is first and foremost AN INDIVIDUAL and should be treated as such. I believe in maintaining individual interests, friends, and activities along with shared ones as it keeps the evil of co-dependence away. I believe that each person has a right to be sexually and emotionally satisfied and that the relationship should be the primary safe space where they are allowed and encouraged to fully express their needs, fantasies, and receive assistance in bringing these to fruition.

    What I find dismaying is that people are simply put off by all of this and do not believe I am being 100% forthcoming with my desires and viewpoints. I know a lot of that has to do with where I live, as the South is the home of “traditional values” even among the LGBTQ+ population as they crave what heterosexuals have always had access to and have been raised in a society that exalts such values. It seems (on average) to take two full years before the person I am dating to fully accept that I truly mean what I say. Then comes the shock of when we do (most tell me hell no!) engage in play with a third party or go to a sex club of how nonchalant I am about the act—there’s no emotional charge for me around the event or the person(s) we had sex with or watched have sex. What they fail to understand is, that if I say they are my primary then that is 100% true. My emotional states and thoughts are not flippant things.

    If I am in a primary relationship with someone and we share a household together then I abide by a singular rule that I hope (they usually fail miserably) they can abide by as well: PROTECT OUR HOUSEHOLD. What that means is that one is to NEVER allow any outside party through our actions or on their own to disturb the peace and tranquility within the household. My home to me is a sacred and safe space. I like quiet and peace, I don’t do emotional highs and lows, drama, I don’t argue (I discuss) and I protect all that dwells under my roof and I expect my partner to do the same. That means being honest about your feelings, thoughts, and desires 100% of the time. It means not involving yourself with someone from outside of our household who causes emotional/mental drama for yourself and subsequently upsetting the balance in the house. It means PULLING YOUR WEIGHT 100% OF THE TIME and taking full responsibility for your emotional, mental and physical well-being in an honest way as it relates to me, your primary partner.

    Being currently single, I don’t have such worries, but today I am in a reflective mood and it has been a while (understatement) since my last civilian sexual encounter. One would think that since I identify as poly that I would be out in the city enjoying the bevy of beauties that Atlanta has to offer but not at all. While physically beautiful I want something different—I am all too well acquainted with what Atlanta has to offer and I have had enough of Bryer’s Natural Vanilla Bean ice cream thank you. I want something akin to the providers that I see and chat with on Twitter from Canada and other areas of the country. I think 2017 will be the year where I tour and experience what several ladies I have my eye on around the US and Canada have to offer behind closed doors. Naturally, I expect to be treated like any other prospective client—I’m not looking for freebies as I expect my time to be respected and I always treat others in return how I expect to be treated.

    It will be a very interesting journey…one that I definitely look forward to writing about (with permissions of course).

    Articles of Interest:

    The Poly Skeptic

    Scientific America

    The New York Times 

    Psychology Today

    The Guardian 

    Written by Alexandria Fox

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