Sex Work and Love

    Alexandria Fox · January 05, 2016 · Sexwork: Past and Present · 0 comments

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    I have heard and witnessed great many stories on dating/loving/marrying a sex worker over the years that I have been a sex worker. In my own personal life, I found dating a perplexing and heartbreaking task in my early years but I attribute that mostly to not being out (I am a lesbian who is also polyamourous) as well as being young, stupid and choosing the wrong men. Since then I have met wonderful female partners, have had great relationships with normal ups and downs and funded two degrees and am working on a third. I have never worked for an agency (I have owned one however) and my decision to enter the world of escorting was of my own choosing. Now that that is all out of the way let’s have a chat.

    Is it hard to date as a sex worker? Damn right it is! Especially if you are the type of guy or girl who breaks all the seedy stereotypes. I think there have been enough movies, documentaries and think pieces on the dark underbelly of sex work that people can hardly fathom that someone would be well adjusted, drug free, educated and emotionally/mentally stable in this business. People who date sex workers often lead with their personal “isms” and the archetypal video reel that has been imprinted upon their minds.

    My first serious relationship was four years with a guy I met in this business. He was a client who came to see me…he was lonely as was I but despite meeting me as a client and even when I got out of the business after being pressured by him and the promises he made, I was never good enough and he always held it against me. After that I made my mind up that if anyone were to date me, they would have to be willing to accept what I do (temporarily) for a living and if they can’t then there are plenty of other women out there who don’t do what I do. It was as simple as that.

    If a guy or girl came to me and said that they were dating a sex worker and was having worrying, troubling or embarrassing thoughts about the relationship one of the first things I would tell them is

    “Pressuring him or her to get out of the business for the relationship or saying that he/she doesn’t love you enough to051709fb7b464b85793113830fd4b8d362a008-wm choose amounts to mental and emotional abuse.”

    That’s is the first thing to understand. Being uncomfortable with your partner’s job is something you have to personally reach deep down in yourself and resolve especially if your sex worker partner was upfront and honest about their line of work at inception or you met them that way. As with the civilian world, people change jobs when THEY are ready and provided your lady/guy are not being abused and used and is using proper protection to safeguard their sexual health then it is on you to come to terms with their line of work. They are doing the job so they obviously have.

    I currently have a few provider associates who are involved in loving and wonderful relationships with male partners. They are well adjusted women with children they adore and partners who adore them and who have come to understand the nature of their work and that it provides a financial foundation that they would not otherwise have. Both ladies have fully funded their children’s college education, are paying for their own, have bought houses and live solidly middle class lives even as the middle class rapidly disappears from America through the outsourcing of jobs, few openings in the US, rising costs of living and shrinking wages all over the country. Oh and they are taxpayers. Ladies, please pay your taxes! More on that in another post.

    The Dating Scene

    Dating is fraught with the usual anxieties: Everyone hopes that the person they are meeting will be a normal well-adjusted human being with whom you will have tons in common with and who meets your personal definition of beauty and attractiveness. We also hope the person sees us in the same way. When you’re a sex worker however there is the added, “I hope that if they disagree, they do so in a respectful manner and calmly dismiss themselves for the evening.” The truth is somewhere in between the two.

    I am always upfront about what it is that I do, but my level of explanation while dating varies by how much I really am enjoying the person and if I plan on a second or future dates. I may say anything from, “sex blogger, sex toy reviewer, sex worker advocate and writer, dominatrix, to high end escort” it just depends on how I view the person and the conversations taking place. The inevitable questions arise: “What is/are the strangest requests you have had? “, “What is the most you have earned in a day?”, “You date women but sleep with men—how can you enjoy that? DO YOU ENJOY THAT?!” I often shake my head at the questions because we have become a culture that defines people by the nature of their work rather than by the content of their character and the good (or bad) they bring into the world. I often end up telling the person that I am not what I do for a living and neither are they and I am here to get to know who they are and not the fact that they are their boss’ favorite scut-monkey and made their quarterly bonus goal.

    Many providers opt out of dating altogether which I completely understand due to the fact that what we do involves a lot of trust and understanding on the part of our potential partners and most people can’t handle the idea of “sharing” their significant other with other people. There are even civilians who believe sex workers shouldn’t date as the job is one inherently built around “cheating” (seriously people?!) and/or that sex workers can’t commit. I have heard it all over the years and over my two final years (retirement is looming) I am sure that I will hear even more outlandish claims. Know that if you are a sex worker or are dating one there are others like you who support, love and cherish their partners and wouldn’t force them to change their work or who is patiently waiting as he/she achieves their personal goals that led them to sex work.

    I commend you all, you rock!

    Alexandria Fox

    Alexandria Fox

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