The Importance of REAL Heaux Friends

    Alexandria Fox · June 28, 2016 · Sexwork: Past and Present · 0 comments


    They don’t have to be your besties or even ladies that you talk to every day. What they need to be are REAL women where each of you can honestly and fully support each other as you navigate the world of sex work.

    Many think that I am relatively new to sex work but I am not. I have been a sexworker off and on since 2001. This work has paid for two degrees so far, given me travel experiences I would not have otherwise had and allowed me to meet some of the most wonderful men and women over the years. I am certain that I will exit on a positive note when that time comes. This wasn’t always the case however…

    When I was a 21 I ran a small agency and made the mistake of letting the guy that I was dating at the time know too much about the administrative side of the business. He was my senior by 17 years, not at all financially established and I later found out from an ex of his that he was a slick talking thief. This was during a time when I believed that love should trump all (lol…I don’t anymore. Love is nice to have but I prefer someone who has an understanding of what it means to forge a working partnership, is honest and who has their own shit). Slowly but surely things started to unravel. Girls were becoming catty and hateful towards me and each other. There was fierce competition and a lot of behind the back talk and accusations. Money started coming up missing and of course he was sleeping with the girls and making promises he never intended to keep—to me and to them. In the end while I was away at my grandfather’s funeral they robbed me blind. When I returned home it looked like the mob had been trying to send a message to someone. My furniture was slashed, doors torn off hinges and the $30,000 that I had in a safe gone. After that I went UTR and semi-left the business seeing only known suitors and never made friends or even spoke to another provider for six years.

    “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

    During those six years I got deep into the art of mediation, learned the art of networking and read lots of sales and negotiation books. Mostly because I held a corporate sales job and wanted to be the best I possibly could at my job, but also because the subject matter interested me. When I made the decision to quit corporate, go back to sex work and go for a bachelor’s in biochemistry in 2011 I took all those tools with me. The first thing I that hit me was how lonely I was this time around. All the anger and fear that I felt when I was violated by people I loved and trusted back in 2001 was gone as I had to work through releasing it and healing it in order to become a successful sales person and student. I was acutely lonely as a sexworker and even though my friends all knew what I did for a living, because they themselves did not live it I felt misunderstood. I decided that I would take a chance and began to email providers in my city and I discovered that Twitter was chock full of sexworkers which was simply the best thing ever! At 31 I was a lot more mature than my 21 year old former self and I knew what to look for in associates: I wanted to be around women who were self-assured, mentally/emotionally stable, educated, driven and above all POSITIVE AND SUPPORTIVE. Slowly I began to meet such women and today they are a part of a network of associates where we can all count on each other; whether it’s lending an ear for a rant, shoulder to cry on, incall locations or a cheerleader in your corner when goals are achieved.

    “There are two types of competitors: The one who fears and suspects that everyone else is out doing them and is better than them and who thus competes using that fear and paranoia as drivers–tainting all their interactions and limiting their power to manifest their desires. They operate from a perspective of lack and rarely help anyone. The other type of competitor realizes there is no one that they compete against except for themselves and has no problems sharing tips and tricks that have led them to success with others who are trying to achieve their own personal goals and dreams. Competitor #2 has a deep understanding that there is more than enough for everyone at the table and shares their abundance.”

    Some sexworkers get it. They intuitively understand that by lending a kind word or a helping hand to their fellows that this creates a vortex of positive manifesting power. They are helping themselves achieve their goals and dreams by helping another—no matter how small. I strive to be one of thesegroup-of-women-laughing ladies each and every day and I surround myself with ladies who share this quality. Being in their presence or even a simple text gives me a boost and I try and provide the same for them as well. What I have noticed is a fear or reticence on the part of many ladies to really get to know other providers personally due to their past bad experiences. To you I say this: Don’t allow one bad apple to spoil it for all the wonderful ladies out there who could potentially become some of your greatest champions and friends. I understand that not everyone will make a great business associate, but you will not know until that email is sent or you hop on her Twitter feed to find out.

    I don’t care what area of sexwork you are in because we all face the same major challenge of discrimination and marginalization. Whether you are a sugar baby, escort, exotic dancer or perform erotic massage the world sees us all as whores, hoes and sluts. It is what it is and I suggest you learn to take to bite out of those words that are oft used to shame us, straighten you crown and shake that shit off like a boss and work with women who are supporting each other to their desired greatness. Pick and choose those with whom you associate with wisely because they will make or break you.

    Written by Alexandria Fox

    Written by Alexandria Fox

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